Feed your need for social networking! No longer do you need to be out of the loop. No longer do you need to feel obsolete. You don’t have to be “old”. You don’t have to be out of touch. You need to invest in our fresh new line of APATHEE products, your source for the latest in social networking technology.
Every narcissist will love the convenient new Anti-Bumbling Ear Bugs. Lets you hear what you plan on saying right before you say it, so you can make sure that it’s cool. No longer suffer the consequences of letting anyone think that you’re emotionally involved in anything. Make sure that you’re GQ smooth with the Anti-Bumbling Ear Bugs.
Next on the list for those of you obsessed with yourselves is the Auto-Slim Eye Implants. They’re biomechanical eye implants that give you a 360 degree view of your body so you can find that special, ultra-flattering angle to take your profile pictures. No longer will you suffer cramps at the posing of a cumbersome digital camera to take pictures of yourself. Tag hundreds of pictures of you with ease with the Auto-Slim Eye Implants.
Avoid carpal tunnel syndrome with the new A-Class Status Update microchip. Visit our Orange County office and have this microchip placed in your frontal lobe with a simple surgical procedure and your status on Facebook and Twitter will automatically update everyone on the interweb with what you’re doing! Also Myspace “mood” compatible! Let the world know exactly where you are and what you’re doing at every moment of the day with the A-Class Status Update chip from APATHEE!
Always wonder how many pictures of you that someone else has taken of you and hasn’t tagged? Well wonder no more with Identifier E-moles. APATHEE’s certified cosmetic surgeons will imbue your face with a unique pattern of beauty marks that will never leave you untagged again. Uploaded photographs will automatically recognize your unique mole pattern and tag you in a complete stranger’s photograph. Be recognizable from up to 100 yards away with the Identifier E-Moles. Now available for gratuitous cleavage!
Tired of taking precious time out of your day to sit down and blog? Quit being a keyboard jockey and buy yourself the convenient Auto-Blog Belly Button. With a simple press of a button installed into your torso crevice, you will sail off into the blogosphere letting your opinions impress the world. Never be ignored and be the fastest to break the news to your three loyal readers with the Auto-Blog Belly Button.
Buy our special “Next Gen Product Package” with all you see listed here within the next 3 days and you will get a free 1 TB Anal Insert Flash drive. Because for all the effort you’re putting on drawing attention to yourself, you might as well be shoving something into your ass.
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