The Homeless Wonder

Ted Williams isn’t a baseball player today. He will be a baseball player again in another year when we forget about Ted Williams, the homeless man with the golden voice. Before moving on to this powder keg of a media circus, let’s review Ted Williams’ background, as it seems to be conveniently overlooked by many:

Ted Williams’ life, career and marriage were ruined in the 80’s when he became a local radio celebrity in Johnston, OH, and later Columbus, OH. He had previously referred to himself as “Teddy Bear” (a moniker I’m astounded hasn’t already been picked up by the beaming voids referring to him all over the country). After abusing various substances on a regular basis at work and at home, he was let go. After some time, his family reportedly turned him away as a result of his lifestyle, leaving him homeless. He apparently has a sizable rap sheet under his belt and has been convicted of a crime as recently as May 2010.

Now, it really doesn’t need to be explained how he has become the latest viral celebrity. If you don’t involuntarily know every fucking detail about it, consider yourself fortunate and don’t bother reading further.

Ted Williams claims he has been sober for two years as of November.

Attention future employers of “reformed” homeless drug abusers: It is completely logical for you to trust the words of a crack head. Go for that. Do that. They will not ever let you down. They’ve learned their lesson.

I’m willing to bet that the length of Mr. Williams’ sobriety is closer to two days.

But, we love to see a second chance, right? That’s the American dream. Fucking over everyone who cares about you, ruining your life of your own volition, begging for mercy and getting hand-outs for it? That is what we are about.

The naivety of anyone involved with Ted Williams’ recent exposure is actually kind of cute. The reality of the situation at hand is that Williams’ first chance doesn’t count for us. It wasn’t well-documented in a reality television program and ready made for ridicule. We didn’t get to taste that failure. Oh, but we will, and somewhere Dr. Drew Pinsky is drooling.

I’m positive that, at the very least, the original reporter who filmed this man (and handed him a $20 prior to ever filming him) had the very best intentions when he met and interviewed Williams. The best intentions, however, almost never align with best interest. I’m of the opinion that the original reporter would have better served Williams by giving him a cheeseburger, a tent, antibiotics and a wave goodbye.

Just imagine the immense amount of pressure on a man who has a completely unstable life to begin with. Television cameras are everywhere, everyone wants to know the life of the homeless crack head guy who ruined his life and has now been given a second chance (but keep it short we can only do five minutes), bright lights, calls rolling in, assistants, psychiatrists, offers, schedules, free shit and all while housing teeth that, if smoked, could kill a lightweight adult male. The most sober person on the planet would be ready for opiates after being blindsided with so much attention.

It must be apparent to Williams that he has done absolutely nothing to deserve this attention (other than look a little bit like Obama and a lot like the Mexican jalapeno that awful, racist ventriloquist/comedian comedy central won’t stop showing uses.). It has to be. Because if it isn’t, it will hit harder with every second reality is overshadowed by fame, free bullshit, and praise. Williams hasn’t even been given the opportunity to take the gigantic personal step of being able to reconcile with his family without cameras rolling. Could you imagine the feeling when the inevitable “remember where you were before we GAVE you all this?” comment is made?

They taketh just as fast as they giveth.

The man is no innocent, but I do hope that he comes out on top after all this dies down. However, in the interest of profit, I just bet $40 that he relapses within 6-12 months and jumps out a window after a crowd gathers.