Where's the Beef?

Go away, binge drinking, pack-of-cigarettes-a-day, vegetarian/vegan activist. This isn't about you.

Humor me as I alienate and turn most of you dorks into a lame cliche of something along the lines of the soap operas your grandmothers watch. So, social networking sites have perpetually been a way for people to gather as much shit they can about no one in particular and either use the internet as their place to wage a war or usually to mutual friends/people who know the intended target. It's usually the former because most arguments that take place in person aren't terribly pre-meditated in contrast of being a keyboard warrior that can make sure his or her stupidity doesn't shine through their typically baseless arguments, but rather full of passive-aggressive idiots tripping over their words in a (usually) drunken mess only to insult appearance only to amuse everyone in audience.

This kind of weird social behavior has transcended, particularly with females, to the internet where they "befriend" each other to essentially pick each other apart and then greet each others with smiles. I'm sure they feel like they're leading some sort of espionage by doing this with all the information they "find". The thing is: If you were to take any one of these people on some real covert ops type shit, they would inadvertently blow your cover and have you nuked half way to Nagasaki after checking into Top Secret Vault Hidden Away in Ancient Europa Ruins (thanks, Assassin's Creed) on Facebook.

With all that, I can only imagine the incriminating gossip everyone thinks they hold over other people when it's usually about trivial things about clothing or who they associate with; and although it's pretty funny to watch people squabble over really dumb shit like that, it gets old incredibly fast with the implied politics that come in with it. I can only imagine how boring one's life is to constantly know what other people are doing publicly and behind the curtains. This also relates with shitty people in relationships that are strained to extremes for the sake of looking like everything is perfect. There's some quote about small people talking about other people and all that which rings quite true, but in any case: your life is probably not that interesting and no one gives a shit.

"Mention the Word 'Hipster' is Hella Numetal"

Obligatory hipsters are scum post.

Why not? Even though there are better alternatives than this site for finding humor in poking fun of a group of people, I'm bored and figured I'd rather write about these jerkoffs than doing something productive for my mental health like reading a book. I suppose that's a good place to start too; for the amount of books that most of these assholes read, they sure don't retain much from those books and apply any sort of ideas or morals suggested through the reading let alone show any semblance of intelligence. Fellow author on this site had this to say about a related idea.

"Coming from an English major, just "reading books" does not solve problems. There is a difference between reading books and being an educated person, just look at the New York Times Best Seller list. It's the most mind numbing mess you've ever seen. I'd argue that the NYT list kills as many brain cells as American Idol. You have to read quality literature, fact and research based non fiction, and newspapers/other news outlets. Reading does not equal intelligence."

While reading is something I use as a source of learning and entertainment, I have a vague feeling that most young adults who regard themselves as some sort of critique of novels are trying to find Holden Caulfield in every book they pick up so they can, "totally relate". Anyway, reading books has become almost a thing like collecting baseball cards. My personal favorite schtick these faux intellects pull is embracing their, "inner nerd". You would assume that a person so obsessed with trying not to look stupid would at least try to not pull this kind of shit:



While people's definitions and mental image of what a hipster looks like or does differs, I'm sure we can all agree on the pretentiousness of musical taste and their peculiar sense of entitlement for knowing about _______ before you did. I've noticed that it doesn't necessarily stop at music though, it can literally be anything and they would have the pressing need to scowl at whoever was a second late at learning about whatever new hot thing and not waste time chopping this fool down as if they're living in the dark ages. News flash: unless you created whatever it is you're bitching about that other people found out about, on their own accord or through you, no one gives a fuck. Seriously. No one. What did you expect, some sort of certificate that you heard this band's demo first or whatever else it is? Of course, all of this only comes out when someone mentions how much they like something, as if liking it at all is ridiculous because they didn't like it from the second it was conceived. I'm surprised they haven't just taken to the streets with signs that say "I hate fun", oh wait, too much conformity and resemblance/connecting to other people and it's not a gay pride parade. Here's something worth bitching about for finding out about:
Having God reveal himself to you first, telling you he's going to make his presence concrete, tangible, etc. to the rest of humanity and then doing so. Not only would our precious hipster fucking brag tirelessly about this, but s/he would do so in a manner of aloofness; just to do it to rub it in your face as if it mattered. So time goes on and then God gets fed up with this asshole bragging about hearing about it first, and since God is benevolent on behalf of mankind, he grants this hipster immortality then promptly sets him/her on fire for the rest of eternity. Now, why would God do that? He did it after he kicked Charon's lame ass out of Hell and put this douchelord in his place to ferry the dead while said immolating hipster can let every other damned asshole that, "God came to me first before you peons". Cool.

I suppose the next point would be their attire but that's been beaten to death. Just look for someone who dresses from a different era or looks like they've done a colonoscopy through American Apparel for tacky/weird shit and then a thrift store for the sake of saying they got it all at a thrift store; they both stick out like sore thumbs unless you're at some really crappy party or club. Anyway, here will be the only mention of a fixie bike and shitty beer, and here's to hoping that the sum of everything in this post gets passed off onto the homeless so I can hear about how passé it was and be a smug dick about it.

Look up "Interior Semiotics" and hate everyone.

Riot Like an Egyptian

Few things to mention in this post before I really get into it. I’ll also keep this as short as possible.

One: This thing is basically a one trick pony seems to be at the end of its long-overdue life and will probably get the proverbial bullet in the head hopefully sooner than later. It doesn’t seem to matter since it didn’t garner too much long term attention unless actively advertised. I’ve ran out of steam and good topics that I could effectively cover my bases on without having droves of critics vying for my blood and make me look even more stupid than I already am. Anyway, maybe if I did research on any current event (Egypt), I’d have an opinion on it; I’d rather not look like an uninformed jackass/typical American rambling on and on about a topic that really doesn’t affect my personal life…wait…

Two: The most recurring feedback I get from friends, since everyone else doesn’t seem to care, is that, “you could be not as angry and stuff, man, if you just like, focus your energy to something constructive”. To that I say, “Whatever, mortal”. A lot of these rants make me laugh out loud more than have some sort of brain aneurism so just relax, take it easy, and laugh at some really low brow things I want to say.

Besides all that, I’ve had nothing else to really talk about lately except about the conundrums of people’s selfishness, lack of modesty and essentially the degradation of character.

I’ll acknowledge that every one person holds everyone else to a certain standard in their head, and when those standards aren’t met or actions you would otherwise not do are done by someone else, anger and frustration are the first things that come to mind. This is all relative to directly affecting you, not like order of operations where Timmy takes showers before brushing his teeth or anything of that mundane nature (hygiene is a must, scumbag).

Selfish people seem to have a knack for being entirely too arrogant about themselves and worldly possessions, one of which is more of a projection or crappy defense mechanism of their own insecurities. It’s just a difficult idea to digest that there are people who exist that are so obsessed with themselves that they forget they’re essentially a rip off of everything they’ve mentally labeled, “cool”. While having some sort of air about yourself is reasonable and acceptable, if you cannot think beyond your own nose and at least be considerate of people you consider friends, I wish every misfortune that comes through your life to leave it like Swiss cheese: a memorandum of your shittiness and that weird thing where everyone walks away from you when you talk about yourself. Though you can argue that I pay too much attention to these people who are as interesting as a chia pet, that’s basically what they are: pretty boring people who are intently caught up with not being boring that they divided by zero and just suck.

Anyway, have at it with this poorly thought out, crappy rant. It's full of holes that I can't really be bothered with patching up, which will inevitably end up coming back to bite me in the ass at a later period by some snarky asshole who got offended by this. Also, blog about it, jerk.

Reaching out.

Frequent readers and/or people who wander through this blog: I'd like to hear from you in any form to know what you think about this entire mess.

The Homeless Wonder

Ted Williams isn’t a baseball player today. He will be a baseball player again in another year when we forget about Ted Williams, the homeless man with the golden voice. Before moving on to this powder keg of a media circus, let’s review Ted Williams’ background, as it seems to be conveniently overlooked by many:

Ted Williams’ life, career and marriage were ruined in the 80’s when he became a local radio celebrity in Johnston, OH, and later Columbus, OH. He had previously referred to himself as “Teddy Bear” (a moniker I’m astounded hasn’t already been picked up by the beaming voids referring to him all over the country). After abusing various substances on a regular basis at work and at home, he was let go. After some time, his family reportedly turned him away as a result of his lifestyle, leaving him homeless. He apparently has a sizable rap sheet under his belt and has been convicted of a crime as recently as May 2010.

Now, it really doesn’t need to be explained how he has become the latest viral celebrity. If you don’t involuntarily know every fucking detail about it, consider yourself fortunate and don’t bother reading further.

Ted Williams claims he has been sober for two years as of November.

Attention future employers of “reformed” homeless drug abusers: It is completely logical for you to trust the words of a crack head. Go for that. Do that. They will not ever let you down. They’ve learned their lesson.

I’m willing to bet that the length of Mr. Williams’ sobriety is closer to two days.

But, we love to see a second chance, right? That’s the American dream. Fucking over everyone who cares about you, ruining your life of your own volition, begging for mercy and getting hand-outs for it? That is what we are about.

The naivety of anyone involved with Ted Williams’ recent exposure is actually kind of cute. The reality of the situation at hand is that Williams’ first chance doesn’t count for us. It wasn’t well-documented in a reality television program and ready made for ridicule. We didn’t get to taste that failure. Oh, but we will, and somewhere Dr. Drew Pinsky is drooling.

I’m positive that, at the very least, the original reporter who filmed this man (and handed him a $20 prior to ever filming him) had the very best intentions when he met and interviewed Williams. The best intentions, however, almost never align with best interest. I’m of the opinion that the original reporter would have better served Williams by giving him a cheeseburger, a tent, antibiotics and a wave goodbye.

Just imagine the immense amount of pressure on a man who has a completely unstable life to begin with. Television cameras are everywhere, everyone wants to know the life of the homeless crack head guy who ruined his life and has now been given a second chance (but keep it short we can only do five minutes), bright lights, calls rolling in, assistants, psychiatrists, offers, schedules, free shit and all while housing teeth that, if smoked, could kill a lightweight adult male. The most sober person on the planet would be ready for opiates after being blindsided with so much attention.

It must be apparent to Williams that he has done absolutely nothing to deserve this attention (other than look a little bit like Obama and a lot like the Mexican jalapeno that awful, racist ventriloquist/comedian comedy central won’t stop showing uses.). It has to be. Because if it isn’t, it will hit harder with every second reality is overshadowed by fame, free bullshit, and praise. Williams hasn’t even been given the opportunity to take the gigantic personal step of being able to reconcile with his family without cameras rolling. Could you imagine the feeling when the inevitable “remember where you were before we GAVE you all this?” comment is made?

They taketh just as fast as they giveth.

The man is no innocent, but I do hope that he comes out on top after all this dies down. However, in the interest of profit, I just bet $40 that he relapses within 6-12 months and jumps out a window after a crowd gathers.