Stop Wasting 10 Seconds of my Worthless Time.

Hey idiots, 90% of the traffic on this site is graced by the links we spam all over Facebook and in that regard Facebook is pretty cool for all that media sharing and "social" "interaction", etc. It was only a matter of time before I/someone got on this website's case because it's probably the bane of most people's existence whether they'd like to admit it or not. The issue with the site isn't necessarily the site itself, the fact it's trying to take over the whole goddamn internet or it's weird privacy issues that allowed it to "own" everyone's pictures for a minute (even though the internet owns it anyway, careful who you send nudes to). The issue is with the idiots on everyone's news feed who post stupid shit.

I'll avoid the, "everyone posts stupid shit" argument because this post would probably never end with the thousands of sources I'd use and then some jerk would post a comment saying, "well all you do is post stupid shit so your argument is invalid". Beauty is in the eye of the beholder or something. Regardless, I've noticed this group of people who use Facebook as a place for them to talk shit from behind a curtain in a sense: "I can't believe you did that, you've lost all my trust". Word? Name names and make things more interesting because we all know you and the person you suddenly hate are having a text fight since both of your are pussies and won't say shit to each others face in fear of looking like the bigger bitch. All I'm saying is that if you're going to use fighting words you'd might as well be more direct and put on a show for the rest of your hundreds of friends. The ironic part about the people who usually take this route for dealing with their problems is that they're the ones who typically say, "I don't like drama". I had no idea that you avoid drama by essentially starting it, moron. Even in a real life setting, I've heard arguments start off with "I READ THAT SHIT YOU POSTED ABOUT ME ON FACEBOOK WITHOUT EVEN POSTING MY NAME BECAUSE I'M INSECURE AS FUCK AND THINK EVERYTHING IS ABOUT ME ANYWAY, SO NOW I'M GOING TO BE REALLY FUCKING OVER DRAMATIC SO EVERYONE CAN TELL ME TO CALM DOWN THEN I'LL FEEL LIKE THEY CARE ABOUT ME WHEN IN REALITY THEY JUST WANT ME TO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND NOT RUIN EVERYONE ELSE'S FUN". This post is therapeutic.

To sum up this segment for those who lack attention:

1. If you're going to talk shit/call someone out, post their name too. It's ultimately more enjoyable for everyone and I can bet your problem will either escalate into something way more enjoyable for everyone to talk about (that's what you want, right?) or it will collapse instantly because the other person is a huge coward.
2. Don't ever bring up Facebook in real life, especially as a way to start a fight. Get a hobby, you pathetic lurking nerd.

Next: Couples that post their entire love life on Facebook. The only thing that's enjoyable about your news feed is the amount of times your relationship status changes between, "single", "in a relationship", "it's complicated". They say insanity is trying the same thing and expecting different results. Listen, being around a couple that thinks there is some iron curtain around them is pretty goddamn revolting, especially when I'm around them for prolonged amounts of time, let's say that the end result of what I end up doing (vomiting furiously) is far less enjoyable, but more entertaining to watch than you two sucking face/playing grab ass. Not only that, but you perpetuate the bullshit of people talking about you which in itself is weird because you want the attention but you just attract the crappy kind of other crappy people saying crappy things about you. In a word, stop.

You won't stop though, you will transcend reality and bring it to a computer screen where everything is time stamped and now when you can be texting, messaging or even...here's an idea, being with each other to say your stupid sweet talk bullshit, I can read it. Then when you hate each other and talk about how "I never loved them", I can clearly point out the time and date when you said, "I would swim through a river of sewage to tell you I love you". I wish you actually drowned in a sewage river to eat your proverbial words, asshole. Not only does no one give a shit about how much you love your significant other (excluding me since I'm writing all this out) but you seal your own fate of looking like something so terribly stupid I can't even find the words for describing it. I get it though, you just want the attention on you and your "soulmate" because it makes everyone jealous or your "soulmate" is a sociopath that needs to be reassured every waking moment that he/she is loved otherwise your life is miserable in this choice of life you've made to be with and put up with the insane bullshit this person has to offer. Bravo.

I leave it up to you now, dearest reader, to make the Facebook experience more entertaining for everyone.

P.S. You're a cunt, you know who you are.
P.P.S. See how annoying that is?

Popping Culture's Bubble

There is a measure by which the net value of the contributions that individuals make to the human condition can be determined. We may not yet be aware of how to do this, but we most certainly must not refrain from divulging our observations on the current diseases that plague our kind and hinder our entire species from making long term and practical adjustments that will ensure our survival for centuries to come. It is quite safe to say that if a graph were to be created that detailed a comparison of the integrity of human civilization with the overall physical and intellectual garbage produced by the predominant culture, a negative correlation would be observed. To put it in words more easily digestible by all of you who enthusiastically embrace this vapid, vacuous, void, and vacant existence - your endless mindfuck of inane and empty behavior that is so blatantly the result of successful corporate marketing strategies has slashed the throat of the human race and is allowing it to bleed to death from the wound.

So, just which Intolerable Scum might I be referring to? If you've ever willingly watched an episode of the television program Jersey Shore, you're fucking guilty. If you've ever shopped Forever 21, casted a vote for a contestant on American Idol, or identified with a corporate slogan (Dodge's recent insistence on still seriously pairing the words "America" and "freedom" in the same sentence is frightening http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ezk0e1VL80o), you're marked. Since your birth, you've never been more than a dollar sign, and your utter failure to ever realize this is allowing, nay, fueling the complete breakdown of society and the ultimate devastation of our people and planet. It's no wonder corporations are legally considered to be individuals because they've gotten you to blissfully wrap your lips around their dicks and let them pump you full of their insipid waste, one hand holding your head in place and the other making sure your wallet remains empty.

There are some things you vile lot ought to consider. While your intellect takes a back seat to the latest drama going down on Real Housewives, your representatives in Washington are making power grabs incredibly hostile to your liberty that would spark massive riots if done in other countries. When Lost comes on, the McRib returns to McDonald's, Avatar is re-released in theaters, American Eagle has a sale, Randy Moss switches to a different football team, Kesha releases a new single, how could one possibly find the time to give a fuck about the future consequences of our present choices? As you start to notice your chicken McNuggets dwindling without ever removing your eyes from some tube emitting cathode rays, a malnourished child in Thailand is hemming larger pants for you that you'll temporarily be able to stuff yourself into before moving up another size or two.

Most of me wants to be long gone before the full effects of the current wasteful culture reak their inevitable havoc on us all. However, the smaller part of me that wants to witness this chaos is dying for it to happen soon so I can scream "I told you so" at every blank and worthless human I have the misfortune of being exposed to. Thank you for being fucking pitiful excuses for life guaranteeing the moribund nature of our existence.